Why/What if
Why? Why? Why?
I don’t understand. I’m confused. My mind stumbles around in circles until it gets dizzy. It analyzes, reanalyzes, and analyzes again. It exhausts the evidence, then sets it down, only to pick it up a second later.
Is there a way out?
Am I trapped?
Did I take a misstep?
Did I set myself up for this?
What did I do wrong?
Am I supposed to be here?
Why?
I have hang up after hang up. The hang ups never really go away. There is a gallery in my mind now, disappointment after disappointment. Looking at it all, I wonder. Is there a theme? A narrative? A lesson? Do the pieces form a mosaic? Or is it all just random?
The past haunts me.
The past is like a giant puzzle, except half of the pieces are missing. The vacancies are bleeding. It feels like they’re calling out to me. I am obsessive. I can’t accept that some of the pieces may never be found. But where did they go? Somebody must have them. God? You?
Why won’t you give me the pieces?
Why?
What if? What if? What if?
I don’t understand. I’m uncertain. A vast chasm lies between us. Who will help us navigate it? Can you do it? What if you can’t?
Possibilities oppress me. Risk torments me. Like gnats they cover me. My limbs are heavy. I cannot move. I try to address one, and three take the place. Two serpent heads grow in the place of the one I chopped off. My blood turns cold. Anxiety suffocates excitement.
The future terrifies me.
The future is like the night sky. It is so big, big beyond comprehension. And why is it so dark? Is it supposed to be like this? Why can’t I step out into it? Where did the fear come from? Why is God not casting light? Is he telling me not to go there?
Even if you had a flashlight, it would not illuminate the night. The beam of light would but disappear into the void. Seeing it gives me vertigo, as if I were about to fall upwards into the abyss. I don’t know what the darkness has for me. I choose instead the darkness under the earth. My knuckles are white from clutching.
What if I let go?
What if?
